Gambling

Miami at NY Jets (+3)
OK, Miami lost to the Texans, but did you see the Jets offense? They don't look like they know what they are doing out there. and whil I think very little of Wannstedt, I think he can win this one. MIAMI

Cleveland at Baltimore (-2)
Flip a coin. Both teams look pretty bad. It came up heads. BALTIMORE

*Tennessee at Indianapolis (-1.5)
Seriously? The Colts are favored? After that performance? And I can actually bet on the Titans as underdogs? Life is good. TENN

Detroit at Green Bay (-6.5)
The Lions showed signs of life, but they have not won in Green Bay since ER has been on the air. Seriously. GREEN BAY

Washington at Atlanta (-3)
I don't believe in the Falcons. They beat a terrible Cowboys team. So what? WASH

*Buffalo at Jacksonville (+2)
Did anyone see the Bills game? Why on earth would you think this one would close? BUFFALO

Houston at New Orleans (-8)
Honestly, I think the Texans might win this one with the Saints playing like a bunch of strangers and Joe Horn injured. HOUSTON

San Francisco at St. Louis (-3.5)
Bulger starts, Faulk runs, Rams win. ST LOUIS

Pittsburgh at Kansas City (-3)
The Steelers boast one of the worst pass defenses in the NFL. KC should light them up like a pinball machine. Not like the Chiefs won't allow a ton of points, too. KC

*Carolina at Tampa Bay (-9)
The Panthers have a real good defense and outside of some humiliations at the hands of Vick, the Panthers didn't get blown out last season. That's a real big line. CAROLINA

*Seattle at Arizona (+4.5)
Four and half for the worst team in the league? Done. SEATTLE

New England at Philadelphia (-5)
So the Eagles ran into the Bucs buzzsaw. They recoup in a second straight home game. They didn't suddenly begin to suck. PHILLY

*Denver at San Diego (+3)
Take the three points with Plummer going on the road. Denver beat the Bengals, so throw all good things out. The Chargers will rebound in style. SD

Cincinnati at Oakland (-12)
Well, the Bengals earned that huge line. I think they'll play better, but the Raiders are too goof. OAKLAND

Chicago at Minnesota (-8.5)
The Bears stink out loud. MINNESOTA

Dallas at NY Giants (-9)
I'm not sold on the Giants yet. They stood by while the Rams beat themselves. I'm confident the Boyz won't win, but they'll make a game of it. DALLAS

Greetings, Stephen and Fans.

Well, had you only taken by two biggest blowout predictions last week--Iowa and Minnesota--you'd have been rich. However, I also gave you three losers (New Mexico, however, barely missed covering by 1/2-1.5 points, depending on your lines. Like the fight against the BFEE, we are NEVER deterred, however...we will keep fighting. Here's this week's Key's (to the Vatican) Releases:

Thursday Nite
California +2 @ Utah. The Hippies invade Orrin Hatch's place. The sweet smell of pot wafting in the stands sends U of U Young Republicans in attendance searching for their oxygen masks at the game: Cal 33 Utah 24

Saturday, Sept. 13
Arkansas +13 @ Texas. Bill Clinton's alma mater vs. the place George W. bought his diploma from. This is a Holy War for Liberals. The 'Hogs are up against it, but our distaste for everything W will not let us root for the Longhorns. A cover is possible, an outright victory a stretch. But I'll stick my neck out: Arkansas 27 Texas 24

New Mexico +3 v. BYU. What a tough weekend this must be for a Red State...it's bad enough their state school has to let in a bunch of liberals smoking grass and freely making love in their cheap motels; now they've got to send their best college team to a state that promotes the arts, celebrates diversity, AND has a woman kicking extra points rather than cleaning the kitchen. The Lobos broke our hearts with a near-cover last time. This time they win outright. Final New Mexico 41 BYU 35 (and I hope the Couger bus breaks down in Taos and they have to spend the night with liberal artist types!)

Oregon -11.5 @ Arizona. Our green-minded friends to the northwest should win this in a cakewalk. Ignore the ugly neon jerseys of the Ducks. Unfortunately, the Arizona team has a heart the size of Newt's. Final: Oregon 55 Arizona 16.

Sunday, Sept. 14
Jets +3 v. Dolphins. The home team always wins in this series, unless Katherine Harris is running the scoreboard. Jets 16 Dolphins 10.

49ers+3 @ Rams. Kurt Warner is the kind of guy who takes the "fun" out of "fundamentalism." If he praises God one more time, I'm going to slap a copyright suit on him. Just kidding. Niners 29 Rams 24

Saints -8 v. Houston Texans. My favorite of the day. Texans will have a letdown after their big win at Miami...won't they? Well, they're going to the most fun city in the U.S. (like Vegas w/o the gambling), the place Fr. Mushroom says they should make the Superbowl the permanent home for. New Orleans snaps out of it after a tough loss to a good Seattle team. Final: Saints 40 Texans 10.

Monday Nite
Giants -7 v Cowboys. The Cowboys just plain stink, and it's big money from Big D on the Cowboys in Vegas that gives us gifts like this. Thank you Jerry Jones! You'll be able to turn this one off by half-time. Giants 44 Cowboys 10.

Peace and good luck. Put your winnings to good use.
Fr. Mushroom

COLLEGE PICKS, Week three

I'm winning at a 60% clip. do you trust me yet?

Arkansas at Texas (-13.5)
Houston Nutt always put together modestly talented teams who play ridiculously above their heads. They will compete for the SEC crown, and use a close Texas game as the launching pad. ARK

Auburn at Vanderbilt (+12)
I wouldn’t bet on Auburn right now on a dare. And Vandy’s not that bad. VANDY

*Boston College at Connecticut (+4.5)
Four and half points? Really? I know I underrated UConn, but BC’s a pretty good team. They should win going away. BC

*BYU at New Mexico (+3)
BYU took USC to the brink. New Mexico is a strong team, and I really think they are capable of good things, but come on. BYU

*California at Utah (-2)
Run, do not walk, run to a bookie to bet on Cal. CAL

Cincinnati at West Virginia (-7)
I don’t think the Mountaineers can blow out anybody, but playing at home before one of the most raucous crowds in the nation, I think they can do it. WVU

Fresno State at Oklahoma Oklahoma -29
I wouldn’t bet on OU to beat anybody by 29 with that offense. FSU

Georgia Tech at Florida State (-24)
Yes, they look like the Noles of old, but GT isn’t some chump team. And the Jackets won’t lie down like the Terps did. They’ll lose, but they’ll cover. GT

Hawaii at USC (-20.5)
As you know by now, big lines make me nervous. But I’ll make an exception for the Trojans. USC

Illinois at UCLA UCLA -10.5
The Illini look like a strong team, and Beutjer should be able to dink and dunk the offense up the field. I like the Bruins to win, but 10 is a lot of points. ILLINOIS

Iowa at Iowa State Iowa -4
Until proven otherwise, ISU owns Iowa. Then again, the Hawkeyes are much better this year. IOWA

Kansas at Wyoming (-4)
The Cowboys are one of the worst teams in D-1. Kansas is bad, but they ain’t that bad. KANSAS

Kentucky at Alabama (-14)
I’m not convinced Bama’s offense is all that great, and while Kentucky is clearly outclasses, Lorenzen’s a pretty good QB. Screw it. BAMA

Louisiana Tech at Michigan State (-11.5)
I gave MSU the benefit of the doubt once and it burned me. LA TECH

Memphis at Southern Miss (-5.5)
I love the USM defense. Not as much since Cal beat them to a pulp, but home field means a lot. USM

Miami (OH) at Northwestern (-4)
Northwestern should never, ever be favored. MIAMI

Minnesota at Ohio Minnesota -20
You know, the Gophers are quietly putting together a good football team. MINN

*Mississippi State at Tulane (+3)
Three points? THREE? To Tulane? What did Mississippi St do that was that terrible? Tulane has played one good quarter. MSU

MTSU at Clemson (-14)
Clemson is playing terrible right now. MTSU

NC State at Ohio State (OTB)
Why is this game off the board? Was anyone seriously handicapping OSU as if Clarrett was going to play? OSU

North Texas at Air Force (-8.5)
AFA struggled last week, but come on, it’s North Texas. AFA

Notre Dame at Michigan (-10)
Michigan is a much better team but this game is always close. Take the points, but expect the Wolverines to win in the end. ND

Oregon at Arizona (+11.5)
The Ducks simply cannot hold a lead. They’ll win, but don’t expect it to be a win going away. ZONA

Penn State at Nebraska (-10)
Yes, the Huskers are one-dimensional, but it’s the one dimension Penn St cannot stop. They are terrible rush defending team. NEB

Purdue at Wake Forest (-1)
We’re charter members of the Jim Grobe Fan Club. We even picked Wake to beat BC in week one straight up. But favorites against Purdue? That’s a tall order. PURDUE

Rice at Duke (-10.5)
Rice can only do one thing, run. And that’s the only thing Duke can stop. I can’t believe I’m actually going to say this, but take Duke and give 10 points. DUKE

Rutgers at Army (+6)
Both teams are awful, but take the home dog to cover. ARMY

SMU at Baylor (-2.5)
Baylor is a favorite? Seriously? SMU

*South Carolina at Georgia (-14)
The Cocks specialize in playing teams close. That’s a lot of points to give. USC

UNLV at Wisconsin (-20)
Is there a more poorly coached team than the Rebels? WIS

Virginia at Western Michigan (+8)
The Cavs offense looks terrible without Schaub, who will miss this game as well. I think they’ll survive the scare, but I have no confidence in Martinez. WMU

Washington State at Colorado (-5)
What do the Buffs have to do to prove to you they are a really good team? Yes, both of their wins were nail-biters, but both of their opponents were better than Wazzu. COL


NFL picks on Friday...